No Pane, No Gain

Edmonton Oilers general manager Steve Tamebllini was the victim of an assault by a pane of arena glass while observing Monday’s team practice at the Wells Fargo Centre in Philadelphia.

Oilers GM Steve Tambellini, enemy of glass panes everywhere.

Tambellini, watching his team practice from the bench area prior to a road game against the Philadelphia Flyers, was viciously attacked by a pane of arena glass, which was described by one observer as “having leapt at Tambellini brandishing what could have been a knife, but may have also been nothing.” Luckily for Tamebllini, enforcer Steve MacIntyre was present to challenge the offending glass to fisticuffs before it could cause any serious injuries to the GM. The rest of the Oilers agreed that MacIntyre won the bout after a delivering a punch so hard that the two-centimetre thick glass sheet turned back into sand. Unfortunately, while not required to sit in the penalty box for five minutes, Big Mac had to do his time in the medical trainer’s office to get the shards of his opponent’s plexiglass corpse removed from his knuckles.

Once it was determined that Tambellini was okay, the Oilers organization quickly turned to ferreting out of the perpetrator after dismissing the idea that it could have just been the result of an error by the arena staff. The primary suspect was assistant general manager Rick Olcyzk after Tom Renney told members of the media “I can’t believe Ricky was able to pull that trigger from 17 rows up to get that thing going.” Olcyk was cleared after it was realized that there was no actual trigger device and that Renney was joking. The awkward silence following that revelation was uncomfortable for everyone involved.

Forward Ryan Jones was also a suspect, as he is currently in talks with Tambellini to extend his contract with the Oilers. This theory was lent credence when, shortly after being struck by the pane of glass, Tambellini is alleged to have pitched Jones the idea of a two year deal worth “32 million coat rack bacon bucks.” The theory lost all of that credence when it was discovered that Tambellini had actually made the offer to the mini-fridge in the visitors’ lounge three hours after Jones had gone back to his hotel room.

Eventually the case was cracked when the driver of the Oilers team bus was found unconscious in the parking lot. Consultation of Wells Fargo Centre security cameras revealed that the Oilers team bus had been parked in Chris Pronger’s space in the parking lot. Naturally, he elbowed the driver in the head and attempted to use the glass on the boards as an accomplice in his wacky murder scheme. When asked to comment, Flyers management just sighed and said “Pronger’s REALLY serious about his parking space. Tambi’s lucky, the last guy who parked in Pronger’s space is still eating all his meals through a straw in his neck.”

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