Martin Gerber’s Guide to the Edmonton Oilers

Goaltender Martin Gerber was recalled from the American Hockey League’s Oklahoma City Barons to fill in while Nikolai Khabibulin is out with a groin injury, and tonight is his first night on the job. And by job I mean sitting on the bench while Devan Dubnyk proves that, just like in the movies, giraffes can be NHL goaltenders. No, I don’t know what movie that happened in. Just go with it.

"I left my helmet blank so I can paint it with your blood."

Unbeknownst to many fans, the Oilers organization provided Gerber with a short guide to the team to help get him acclimatized quickly. I managed to acquire a copy of this guide, and here it is.

  • You’ll be in Nikolai’s stall until he’s back. If you have trouble finding it, just follow the smell of alcohol and hospitals.
  • If you notice that the stall next to you is occupied by a giraffe, do not be alarmed. His name is Devan Dubnyk and he’s our back-up goalie.
  • Watch out for your defencemen. They’ll deflect pucks at you with shocking regularity. Our sports psychologist believes it’s because they never get to spend any time in the attacking zone shooting at the opposing goaltender and feel left out of the offensive fun that the other team is having.
  • You have no doubt gotten used to your team playing defence in Oklahoma City. We apologize in advance.
  • The kids in the locker room aren’t from a minor hockey program, they’re on our team. Please don’t point out that their voices haven’t changed yet, it makes them sad, and when they’re sad they’re a hassle to put down for their pre-game naps.
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