Gregory Campbell: In Demand

In the aftermath of the recent leaked Colin Campbell emails many members of the hockey community are wondering how they will effect the career of Mr. Campbell and the hierarchy of the National Hockey League. A less-asked question that Fuhr and Loathing will be investigating today is how the situation will effect the career of Campbell’s son, Gregory, a centre for the Boston Bruins.

Gregory Campbell, whom the hockey world have recently found out exists.

A Boston Bruins employee, who spoke with me on the assurance of anonymity, is very excited at the idea of Gregory Campbell remaining with the Bruins organization for the foreseeable future. He has allegedly even offered to remain on the injured reserve to allow the youngster to keep his current position on Beantown’s depth chart, stating “If I’m going to be a ‘little fake artist’ I might as well use my powers to keep the kid’s creepy dad from lurking outside of my window and making throat-cutting gestures. He’s really starting to make my family uncomfortable since he started clinging to the bottom of our car and screaming about gremlins getting us whenever we go out.”

The little fake artist’s wishes of a Colin Campbell-less yard may not come true, however, as the emails have provoked a sudden interest amongst NHL GMs in acquiring the younger Campbell despite him being, as one scout recently noted, “kind of terrible.”

While few teams would typically have interest in a fourth liner with a career plus/minus of -38 and the stink of Floridian futility on him, many GMs have expressed significant interest in having a player whose mere presence on the roster ensures that referees who don’t call the game in favour of Campbell’s team will be subject to profanity-laden rants regarding their competence. One GM seems to have already figured out how best to use this intangible to his club’s benefit.

“I figure the only player who doesn’t have a plus/minus is the goalie, so we’ll put him in net,” began the GM, “The goalie we have now has clearly run out of the alcohol that fuels his abillity to stop pucks, and we recently found out that the giraffe we’ve been using as a back-up goalie isn’t technically allowed to play in the league, what with being a giraffe an’ all.” After being gently steered back onto the topic of the younger Campbell, the GM continued, “I put in a call to Colin Campbell, and he’s assured me that if Gregory becomes a goalie, shooting pucks at him will be classified as goaltender interference.”

A follow-up question about whether or not referees would be “encouraged” by the senior Campbell to wave off any goals scored against his son, the anonymous GM went silent and pointed to the window. Much to our mutual alarm, Colin Campbell was standing behind a tree several metres away repeatedly pointing toward his own eyes, then us.

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