Why the Oilers can’t Kill Penalties

The 2010-11 Edmonton Oilers are dead last in the league on the penalty kill. That’s been a pretty common story since the 2006 playoffs, but why did they get so bad short-handed? Fuhr and Loathing’s web of operatives inside the organization have compiled this list of possible explanations for the Oilers’ recent penalty-killing woes.

"Listen, if I see that puck in the back of my net, they're going to have to surgically remove my stick from your lower intestines."

  • With Chris Pronger’s departure prior to the ’06-’07 season, opposing power plays no longer fear being castrated with the dull blade of a hockey stick if they score.
  • Sluggishness can be attributed to players’ misinterpretation of Pat Quinn’s demands for more crust. They assumed he meant they should eat more sandwiches.
  • Confusion amongst players led to the belief that defence was unnecessary because Nikolai Khabibulin was a literal ‘Bulin Wall.
  • Recent rule changes prevent Dustin Penner from just sitting on the opposition’s best player for the duration of the penalty kill.
  • Shortening the amount of time the opposition is on the power play by allowing them to score is the only thing that keeps Ryan Whitney’s average minutes per game below forty-five.
  • Tom Renney’s defensive philosophy of “don’t get scored on” is far too much work to execute. The players prefer Pat Quinn’s system of letting the other team score so he has things to rant about during post-game press conferences.
  • Team’s average age of 12 results in everybody chasing after the puck carrier and letting the goalie worry about the other four guys.
  • The slot is rarely covered due to Nikolai Khabibulin’s constant demands that “you kids get off my lawn!” whenever a defensive player stands there.
  • Nobody told the Oilers that icing the puck is allowed if you’re short-handed.
  • Jordan Eberle’s short-handed wizardry against Miika Kiprusoff in the season opener has led to a new team policy which dictates that all penalty killers must deke at least three opposing players out of their shorts before they’re allowed to make any attempt to pass or shoot the puck.
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