No Pane, No Gain

Edmonton Oilers general manager Steve Tamebllini was the victim of an assault by a pane of arena glass while observing Monday’s team practice at the Wells Fargo Centre in Philadelphia.

Oilers GM Steve Tambellini, enemy of glass panes everywhere.

Tambellini, watching his team practice from the bench area prior to a road game against the Philadelphia Flyers, was viciously attacked by a pane of arena glass, which was described by one observer as “having leapt at Tambellini brandishing what could have been a knife, but may have also been nothing.” Luckily for Tamebllini, enforcer Steve MacIntyre was present to challenge the offending glass to fisticuffs before it could cause any serious injuries to the GM. The rest of the Oilers agreed that MacIntyre won the bout after a delivering a punch so hard that the two-centimetre thick glass sheet turned back into sand. Unfortunately, while not required to sit in the penalty box for five minutes, Big Mac had to do his time in the medical trainer’s office to get the shards of his opponent’s plexiglass corpse removed from his knuckles.

Once it was determined that Tambellini was okay, the Oilers organization quickly turned to ferreting out of the perpetrator after dismissing the idea that it could have just been the result of an error by the arena staff. The primary suspect was assistant general manager Rick Olcyzk after Tom Renney told members of the media “I can’t believe Ricky was able to pull that trigger from 17 rows up to get that thing going.” Olcyk was cleared after it was realized that there was no actual trigger device and that Renney was joking. The awkward silence following that revelation was uncomfortable for everyone involved.

Forward Ryan Jones was also a suspect, as he is currently in talks with Tambellini to extend his contract with the Oilers. This theory was lent credence when, shortly after being struck by the pane of glass, Tambellini is alleged to have pitched Jones the idea of a two year deal worth “32 million coat rack bacon bucks.” The theory lost all of that credence when it was discovered that Tambellini had actually made the offer to the mini-fridge in the visitors’ lounge three hours after Jones had gone back to his hotel room.

Eventually the case was cracked when the driver of the Oilers team bus was found unconscious in the parking lot. Consultation of Wells Fargo Centre security cameras revealed that the Oilers team bus had been parked in Chris Pronger’s space in the parking lot. Naturally, he elbowed the driver in the head and attempted to use the glass on the boards as an accomplice in his wacky murder scheme. When asked to comment, Flyers management just sighed and said “Pronger’s REALLY serious about his parking space. Tambi’s lucky, the last guy who parked in Pronger’s space is still eating all his meals through a straw in his neck.”

Posted in Fuhr and Loathing | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Dead Deadline Day has Media Wishing for Death

Today was the NHL trade deadline, typically a furious day of wheeling and dealing as general managers try to find the pieces they need to push contenders over the top or dump contracts and stockpile draft picks and prospects. Unfortunately for the ninety-five “experts” assembled by TSN, almost none of whom I’ve ever seen nor heard of before, it turned out to be the slowest deadline day since 2000 (incidentally, that year’s deadline’s inactivity was blamed on the cost incurred by the NHL’s ill-fated Y2K

Florida Panthers fans, meet your new defence.

hockey bunker). There were, however, some interesting developments for us to explore.

Missing: The Florida Panthers Roster

Having dealt just about everybody they could, the Panthers have thrown in the towel and accepted that they’re going to miss the playoffs for an NHL record tenth straight year. With the only notable players on Florida’s roster being netminder Tomas Vokoun and forwards Stephen Weiss and David Booth, one is led to question how the Panthers will ice a team. My theory involves bags of Florida oranges with Panthers jerseys stapled to them.

Theoretically, the Panthers’ long-running rebuild project will eventually pay off and make them a competitive NHL team. Although forcing Tomas Vokoun to make two hundred saves per game as the oranges that serve as his defencemen get deked out of their sacks on a regular basis doesn’t seem like the best way to develop a winner.

Canadian Coverage

Sportsnet had correspondants in each of the Canadian NHL cities to cover the flurry of trades that would surely shake up the Great White North. The reality of the day when talking about most of the Canadian clubs (no, not sandwiches, although I’m sure those were also discussed around hour 34 of the coverage), however, was trying to pry as much conversation as possible out of minor moves involving players nobody cared about.

Aside from the Dustin Penner to Los Angeles trade, most of the conversation carried on along the lines of “so, this depth guy sure is going to be a depth guy on his new team. Yup.”

As has become a custom on deadline day, the Canadian GMs spoke to the media in televised press conferences. Brian Murray ostensibly talked about his plan for the Ottawa Senators going forward, although this is more of a guess on my part since, as far as I can tell, he did his entire press conference in the language of the turtles. Leafs GM Brian Burke, who represents the media’s best shot at getting anything vaguely resembling and interesting quote, also had a tough time delivering, since there’s only so much that can be said about sending John Mitchell to New York. Burke would have had to come out with his pants on his head and punch a camera man to make that interesting.

Conference Calls With Players Are Awkward

Many of the traded players on their way to or from Canadian teams appeared on the deadline coverage via conference call. It goes without saying that the top priority of a player who has just found out that he needs to uproot his life and move to a new team in a new city later that day is to talk to members of the media who are trying to fill time in hour 19 of their coverage. And if you thought hockey players were uninformative in their usual interviews, well you’re in for a surprise: they can be less informative. In this case, it’s because they’ve known about the trade for exactly as much time as the media have.

Conversations typically break down into one of a few categories.

  • “I’m excited for the opportunity to help out (insert new team) and try to win a Stanley Cup.”
    What it really means: “Thank God I get to leave that train wreck behind and maybe win a Cup because I can kill penalties.”
    Example: Chris Higgins (Traded to Vancouver from Florida)
  • “I guess I just wasn’t part of their long-term vision.”
    What it really means: “I’m over 30 and I’ve just been traded from a truly awful team to a moderately okay team. I am envious of the guy who gets to play for a contender.”
    Example: Freddy Modin (Traded to Calgary from Atlanta)
  • “I’m excited to be a part of the rebuilding process and help get this team back on track.”
    What it really means: “Well I’m glad I got all that winning out of my system last season, since I won’t be seeing it for a while.”
    Example: Anyone who ended up in Florida.
Posted in Fuhr and Loathing | Tagged , | Leave a comment

The All-Star Fantasy Draft: It Sure Was a Thing That Happened

Tonight’s first-ever NHL All-Star Game Fantasy Draft was designed to spice up a meaningless game with a stale format. Did it work? Eh… not really, but let’s take an in-depth look at the proceedings anyway.

"Hur hur, me am All-Star. Me am get new Vroom-Vroom wagon!"

The format is pretty simple, and mimics picking teams in sixth grade gym class, pretty much entirely for the purpose of making a world-class athlete look like the awkward fat kid when they get picked last. On the plus side, at least they’ve got a multi-million dollar contract to ease the pain of being picked last to play in a meaningless game, so they’ve still got a leg up on that fat kid in Miss Kowalksy’s class. Inexplicably, the format was amended so that all of the goalies must be selected by the end of the tenth round, and all defencemen by the end of the fifteenth round, thereby guaranteeing that a forward will be the last overall selection and strangling the life out of what little drama could have been created by the format.

With each round being pretty much the same, here’s how things went down:

Step 1
The captain and his assistants plot their selections in secret. Whoever came up with this format was brilliant, because watching some guys talk in inaudible tones is scintillating television.

Step 2
The selection is made by one of the captains, who tries his best to say something funny. Hockey players aren’t known for their razor wit or snappy comedic timing, and the audience reaction to the “jokes” being told sounded a lot like the kind of applause normally reserved for cringe-worthy elementary school plays.

Step 3
The selected player emerges from the sea of expensive suits and very questionable haircuts that makes up the draftee seating area to accept his All-Star jersey while TSN’s James Duthie relays an anecdote about the player, all of which could be paraphrased to “this guy is pretty good at hockey.”

Step 4
Some of the players are interviewed by James Duthie. This comprises the first element of the All-Star Skills Competition, which is a new event called “do an interview without demonstrating any discernible personality or saying anything interesting.”

Step 5
The other team makes a selection, repeating steps 1 through 4.

Occasionally a sixth step was added in which the TSN panel would discuss how the teams were stacking up so far. Pierre McGuire fawns over every player selected as loudly as possible and seems convinced that this All-Star Game is the most important hockey game that will ever be played. EVER. If he keeps up that level of enthusiasm I assume he’ll have a brain aneurysm by the end of the weekend. The results will likely ruin Bob McKenzie’s suit.

When it was finally revealed that Phil Kessel would be the last pick, James Duthie jumped in to point out that the point of the Fantasy Draft wasn’t to humiliate anyone… except that as far as anyone can tell that was the entire crux of the drama, since none of the fans have any sort of emotional stake in who the teams pick and they’re all ridiculously good hockey players. So, uh, good job, Fantasy Draft. You sure did happen.

Posted in Fuhr and Loathing | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

All-Star Musings

The 2011 NHL All-Star game festivities will be taking place next weekend in Raleigh, North Carolina, and somehow the Oilers have managed to bribe somebody to allow them to send players to the least-purposeful game of the year. Ales Hemsky finally earned an All-Star nomination while hotshot rookies Taylor Hall and Jordan Eberle were invited to participate in the skills competition. In what has become true Oilers fashion of late, however, two of the three All-Star nominees are injured. Jordan Eberle is currently out rehabbing an ankle injury while Ales Hemsky is paying for his fearlessness by scraping his brain off of the inside of his skull.

"YES! That trip to Vegas is back on! Screw North Carolina."

With Hemsky and Eberle in need of replacing, I’ve decided to look at some of the other potential candidates on the Oilers roster. Why yes, I am neglecting the fact that the NHL will likely choose replacements from star-studded teams like Vancouver or Philadelphia.

Nikolai Khabibulin – The ‘Bulin Wall was on the initial fan-voting ballot, but failed to make the starting line-up due to fans being unaware that players from teams other than Pittsburgh were eligible. It might have also been his stats, which see him hanging out at the bottom of the goalie rankings with such luminaries as Dan Ellis, Mike Smith, Chris Mason, and Rick DiPietro.

Ryan Jones’ Hair – Winger Ryan Jones has proved to be a superlative waiver pick-up from the Nashville Predators, but being a third-liner with a scoring touch isn’t enough to get an All-Star selection. Jones’ hair, on the other hand, is a first-ballot All-Star, and all players who end up on a breakaway will be required to wear a wig in it’s likeness. It’s just not a breakaway if luxurious locks aren’t flowing freely from underneath the helmet.

Theo Peckham – Theo Peckham has emerged as the best shut-down defenceman on the Oilers this season. The All-Star game is for pussies, however, and thus there’s no “bodycheck star players through the boards then laugh” competition, which is really the only category Peckham could compete in.

Linus Omark – Omark was considered for the rookie shootout competition, but the mere mention of his name caused Dan Ellis to go into convulsions and soil himself.

Ryan Whitney – While an ankle injury has put Ryan Whitney on the shelf for the remainder of the season, he deserved an All-Star nod prior to getting hurt. On the other hand, looking at the last defenceman the Oilers sent to the All-Star game, maybe Whitney being out for the season is preferable.

Posted in Fuhr and Loathing | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

World Junior Hockey Championship: The Drinking Game

The Holiday season is in full swing, and that can mean only one thing: the World Junior Hockey Championship is right around the corner. The tournament, featuring the best players in the world under 20 years old, begins on Boxing Day with Canada taking on Russia. One would assume the other teams are also playing, but let’s face it, as far as TSN is concerned those games only exist as thirty second highlight packages to fill time during the intermissions of Canada’s games. In the spirit of drinking entirely too much egg nog and vomiting all over the suddenly hip ugly sweater your grandmother knit for you, Fuhr and Loathing is proud to present the World Junior Hockey Championship Drinking Game.*

"Your liver's gonna need to be a Monster, like the Canadian junior team in Grand Forks was."

*DISCLAIMER: The World Junior Hockey Championship Drinking Game should not be played by anyone, ever, because it will probably kill you.

  • When Team Canada scores a goal, drink twice.
  • If Canada’s opponent scores a goal, finish your drink. Don’t worry, this will only happen five or six times all tournament.
  • When Team Canada goes on the power play, drink.
  • When Canada’s opponent goes on the power play… oh why bother, it’s not like they’re going to do anything with it anyway.
  • When one of the commentators tells the audience which CHL team a Canadian player plays for, drink. Make sure you’ve got plenty of booze, as this will happen roughly a hundred times per game.
  • When one of the commentators tells the audience which NHL team a Canadian player was drafted by (or that Sean Coutourier is the only Canadian player eligible for the draft), drink. This will happen a lot, so make sure you’re prepared: vomit buckets are your friend.
  • When Pierre McGuire fawns over a Canadian player, drink.
  • When Pierre McGuire says about a Canadian player “he really gets it”, or a variation on that player “getting it”, finish your drink twice. If you’re still conscious by the end of the period, you deserve a medal. And should really consider seeking medical attention.
  • Whenever Pierre McGuire mentions the Canadian team from the WJHC in Grand Forks, North Dakota, finish your drink.
  • When a non-Canadian player is discussed, drink until you care.
Posted in Fuhr and Loathing | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

Omark “Classless” Says Embarassed Goaltender

In the December 10th shootout victory over the Tampa Bay Lightning, Edmonton Oilers forward Linus Omark became the subject of controversy after Tampa goaltender Dan Ellis referred to his shootout spin move as “classless.”

This is what he looks like when he's not making your goaltender consider alcoholism as a career path.

When asked for further comment, Ellis went on to explain that Omark’s spin move immediately after picking up the puck at the red line lacked the class shown by most other shooters, who at least pretend that the goaltender will present them with some sort of obstacle.

The rest of the Lightning locker room agreed with Ellis’ assertion that opposing shooters should extend him the courtesy of pretending that he’ll be a challenge to them. One anonymous Tampa player elaborated “I mean, sure, they’re probably going to torch him, but at least let him think he’s got a chance, y’know? Like how in practice Stamkos just shoots at his pads so we don’t have to replace the nets for wear and tear as much.”

Edmonton Oilers coach Tom Renney told reporters that he could see why Tampa would be upset by the play, but his team won, so the Bolts could suck it. He also added that if the spin move actually contributed to Ellis biting on the faked slapper that beat him then Ellis should be counting his millions and squeeling with glee at his agent’s shrewdness instead of whining to the media.

When reached for comment about the controversy, Omark noted that he had already used that move twice in the last week with no complaints from American Hockey League goalies who weren’t fooled by the completely unnecessary spin. He also added that he felt he did show some respect for the goaltender by not attempting a new move he’s been working on which purportedly results in the goaltender spontaenously wetting his pants.

Posted in Fuhr and Loathing | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

NHL Teams Give Thanks

In honour of American Thanksgiving (and Canadian Thanksgiving, which happened last month before I started this blog), Fuhr and Loathing has found something for each NHL team to be thankful for.

Anaheim Ducks – Mandatory helmets mean that nobody has to look at Ryan Getzlaf’s bald spot for longer than is absolutely necessary.

Atlanta Thrashers – Dealing Ilya Kovalchuk to New Jersey is turning out to have been pretty good revenge for his refusal to sign a contract extension.

Boston Bruins – Marc Savard will be back from his concussion soon. Unfortunately, due to the salary cap, Bruins management will be making sure he has a relapse. With a lead pipe.

Buffalo Sabres – It’s almost impossible, statistically, for the Sabres to be the worst sports team in Buffalo.

Calgary Flames - They’re still the best team in Alberta.

Carolina Hurricanes – Brandon Sutter’s scoring punch should be nicely complemented by Brett Sutter’s drunken punching.

Chicago Blackhawks – Marty Turco and Corey Crawford are a far-more broadcaster-friendly goaltending tandem than Antti Niemi and Cristobal Huet. And about $6 million cheaper. Which is good, since Marian Hossa needs that money to build a castle out of solid gold and woolly mammoth ivory.

Colorado Avalanche – Management may have thought they were hiring Joe Sakic, but this Sacco guy seems to be doing just fine. He’d really like the organization to start spelling his name right so he can cash the cheques, though.

Columbus Blue Jackets – Whatever dirt they found on Rick Nash to convince him to sign a contract extension worked so brilliantly that they currently have a team of Photoshop experts working ’round the clock with Sidney Crosby’s family photo albums.

Dallas Stars – Once a new ownership is in place, the players will be able to be paid in dollars again, instead of the current “gold star stickers from Joe Nieuwendyk” system.

Detroit Red Wings – Niklas Lidstrom is a cyborg from the future sent to make all the other NHL defencemen feel inadequate.

Edmonton Oilers – Edmonton can’t get any less attractive to free agents, so Tom Renney murdering players for failing to do crazy things like “try hard and be competent” won’t be that much of a setback.

Florida Panthers – Players will be free to enjoy Florida’s beautiful sunshine in April, and entering the record books for failing to make the playoffs for a tenth consecutive year will ensure that NHL historians ten years from now remember that Florida used to have a hockey franchise.

Los Angeles Kings – New strategy of only employing goaltenders named Jonathan means Terry Murray can finally remember his netminders’ names and stop referring to them as “you over there by the boards.”

Minnesota Wild – In their second season without Jacques Lemaire, the Wild have finally figured out that they’re allowed to leave the neutral zone.

Montreal Canadiens – Carey Price elevated his play just in time to avoid having his face literally melted off by the power of the Bell Centre fans’ booing.

Nashville Predators – Shrewd management and scouting have kept the Predators competitive for years on a shoestring budget, creating a team that would be immensely popular if Tennesseans were aware of their existence.

New Jersey Devils – There are only fourteen years left until the Devils can afford to ice a full roster again.

New York Islanders – The shards from Rick DiPietro’s constantly shattering bones have yet to injure any innocent bystanders.

New York Rangers – Glen Sather’s continued employment provides GMs around the league with hope that they too can remain employed despite not demonstrating any measurable amount of competence.

Ottawa Senators – Lack of recent postseason success means that Chris Phillips hasn’t scored on his own net in a meaningful game in quite a while.

Philadelphia Flyers – Sergei Bobrovsky has shone in goal, earning himself the nickname “goalie Bob” from sportscasters who apparently can’t figure out how to say “Bobrovsky.”

Phoenix Coyotes – Only eight people attend their home games, but at least they don’t have to spend the winter in Winnipeg.

Pittsburgh Penguins – Advances in cloning technology mean that it’s only a few more years until the Penguins are able to ice a team composed entirely of Sidney Crosby. Which is kind of like now, except that they won’t have to pay a bunch of other guys to fill out roster spots.

San Jose Sharks – This season? The Sharks are still crowing about how they managed to trade Vesa Toskala before everyone else realized that he was actually a cardboard cutout of a goaltender.

St. Louis Blues – Their only game against the Canadiens is in St. Louis, significantly reducing the risk of insane Habs fans in Jaroslav Halak jerseys rioting in the streets and flipping flaming cars. Well, at least in the presence of Blues players.

Tampa Bay Lightning – I hear they’ve got some kid named Stamkos who’s apparently a pretty big deal.

Toronto Maple Leafs – Nobody in the ACC is actually watching the Leafs play anyway, so their ticket sales won’t be negatively affected by their play.

Vancouver Canucks – Are in great shape for a deep playoff run as long as they don’t play the Chicago Blackhawks. On the plus side, they won’t have to worry about Roberto Luongo’s long-term contract if they do face the ‘Hawks, as a third-straight meltdown will likely cause his head to explode.

Washington Capitals – Alexander Semin will be making an obscene amount of money to not produce in the playoffs for somebody else next year.

Posted in Fuhr and Loathing | Leave a comment

Martin Gerber’s Guide to the Edmonton Oilers

Goaltender Martin Gerber was recalled from the American Hockey League’s Oklahoma City Barons to fill in while Nikolai Khabibulin is out with a groin injury, and tonight is his first night on the job. And by job I mean sitting on the bench while Devan Dubnyk proves that, just like in the movies, giraffes can be NHL goaltenders. No, I don’t know what movie that happened in. Just go with it.

"I left my helmet blank so I can paint it with your blood."

Unbeknownst to many fans, the Oilers organization provided Gerber with a short guide to the team to help get him acclimatized quickly. I managed to acquire a copy of this guide, and here it is.

  • You’ll be in Nikolai’s stall until he’s back. If you have trouble finding it, just follow the smell of alcohol and hospitals.
  • If you notice that the stall next to you is occupied by a giraffe, do not be alarmed. His name is Devan Dubnyk and he’s our back-up goalie.
  • Watch out for your defencemen. They’ll deflect pucks at you with shocking regularity. Our sports psychologist believes it’s because they never get to spend any time in the attacking zone shooting at the opposing goaltender and feel left out of the offensive fun that the other team is having.
  • You have no doubt gotten used to your team playing defence in Oklahoma City. We apologize in advance.
  • The kids in the locker room aren’t from a minor hockey program, they’re on our team. Please don’t point out that their voices haven’t changed yet, it makes them sad, and when they’re sad they’re a hassle to put down for their pre-game naps.
Posted in Fuhr and Loathing | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

Gregory Campbell: In Demand

In the aftermath of the recent leaked Colin Campbell emails many members of the hockey community are wondering how they will effect the career of Mr. Campbell and the hierarchy of the National Hockey League. A less-asked question that Fuhr and Loathing will be investigating today is how the situation will effect the career of Campbell’s son, Gregory, a centre for the Boston Bruins.

Gregory Campbell, whom the hockey world have recently found out exists.

A Boston Bruins employee, who spoke with me on the assurance of anonymity, is very excited at the idea of Gregory Campbell remaining with the Bruins organization for the foreseeable future. He has allegedly even offered to remain on the injured reserve to allow the youngster to keep his current position on Beantown’s depth chart, stating “If I’m going to be a ‘little fake artist’ I might as well use my powers to keep the kid’s creepy dad from lurking outside of my window and making throat-cutting gestures. He’s really starting to make my family uncomfortable since he started clinging to the bottom of our car and screaming about gremlins getting us whenever we go out.”

The little fake artist’s wishes of a Colin Campbell-less yard may not come true, however, as the emails have provoked a sudden interest amongst NHL GMs in acquiring the younger Campbell despite him being, as one scout recently noted, “kind of terrible.”

While few teams would typically have interest in a fourth liner with a career plus/minus of -38 and the stink of Floridian futility on him, many GMs have expressed significant interest in having a player whose mere presence on the roster ensures that referees who don’t call the game in favour of Campbell’s team will be subject to profanity-laden rants regarding their competence. One GM seems to have already figured out how best to use this intangible to his club’s benefit.

“I figure the only player who doesn’t have a plus/minus is the goalie, so we’ll put him in net,” began the GM, “The goalie we have now has clearly run out of the alcohol that fuels his abillity to stop pucks, and we recently found out that the giraffe we’ve been using as a back-up goalie isn’t technically allowed to play in the league, what with being a giraffe an’ all.” After being gently steered back onto the topic of the younger Campbell, the GM continued, “I put in a call to Colin Campbell, and he’s assured me that if Gregory becomes a goalie, shooting pucks at him will be classified as goaltender interference.”

A follow-up question about whether or not referees would be “encouraged” by the senior Campbell to wave off any goals scored against his son, the anonymous GM went silent and pointed to the window. Much to our mutual alarm, Colin Campbell was standing behind a tree several metres away repeatedly pointing toward his own eyes, then us.

Posted in Fuhr and Loathing | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

Why the Oilers can’t Kill Penalties

The 2010-11 Edmonton Oilers are dead last in the league on the penalty kill. That’s been a pretty common story since the 2006 playoffs, but why did they get so bad short-handed? Fuhr and Loathing’s web of operatives inside the organization have compiled this list of possible explanations for the Oilers’ recent penalty-killing woes.

"Listen, if I see that puck in the back of my net, they're going to have to surgically remove my stick from your lower intestines."

  • With Chris Pronger’s departure prior to the ’06-’07 season, opposing power plays no longer fear being castrated with the dull blade of a hockey stick if they score.
  • Sluggishness can be attributed to players’ misinterpretation of Pat Quinn’s demands for more crust. They assumed he meant they should eat more sandwiches.
  • Confusion amongst players led to the belief that defence was unnecessary because Nikolai Khabibulin was a literal ‘Bulin Wall.
  • Recent rule changes prevent Dustin Penner from just sitting on the opposition’s best player for the duration of the penalty kill.
  • Shortening the amount of time the opposition is on the power play by allowing them to score is the only thing that keeps Ryan Whitney’s average minutes per game below forty-five.
  • Tom Renney’s defensive philosophy of “don’t get scored on” is far too much work to execute. The players prefer Pat Quinn’s system of letting the other team score so he has things to rant about during post-game press conferences.
  • Team’s average age of 12 results in everybody chasing after the puck carrier and letting the goalie worry about the other four guys.
  • The slot is rarely covered due to Nikolai Khabibulin’s constant demands that “you kids get off my lawn!” whenever a defensive player stands there.
  • Nobody told the Oilers that icing the puck is allowed if you’re short-handed.
  • Jordan Eberle’s short-handed wizardry against Miika Kiprusoff in the season opener has led to a new team policy which dictates that all penalty killers must deke at least three opposing players out of their shorts before they’re allowed to make any attempt to pass or shoot the puck.
Posted in Fuhr and Loathing | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment